The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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