i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
