Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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