if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
