this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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