Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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