i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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