he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
