My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
whose parrot is this?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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