What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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