I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
