If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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