Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
