Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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