you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
