Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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