I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
