My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
