Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
