I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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