After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
