I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
