my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
no. you can't hotbox the world.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
