So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize