dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
