barbara walters just said penis...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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