Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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