Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
