i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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