dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
