you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
