I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My friends, they love my intelligence
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
