i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I need water and some morals
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
