Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
