a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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