the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
