Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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