I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
