i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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