I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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