We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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