I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
