I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize