Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
