that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
