The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
