Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Text me some of your sweat
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