he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
