I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
