Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize