I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
