Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
