I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
