i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
