At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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