What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
