He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
