woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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