I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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