Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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