he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
