just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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