right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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