I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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