Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Randomize
