she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
