did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
